Too Good to be True…

We all strive for happiness in relationships, emotional fulfillment and sexual excitement. But we often have to kiss many frogs before we find our prince or princess. “The frogs” represent our urge to repeat unhealthy patterns, which produce familiar feelings. We recreate these familiar yet unproductive feelings because they offer a second chance to “fix” what was unfixable in our younger years. In therapy we look at behaviors and the feelings produced and build awareness in order to stop the repetitions. Then the day finally comes when that special someone enters our life.  That person who’s like no one we have ever been with before. We are elated, happy and trust in the therapeutic process because we feel ready to embrace this new and wonderful connection. “Well, be careful what you wish for.” When we finally get what we have been yearning, longing for there is another set of feelings, which are triggered.

• Sadness. Often we are reminded of what we haven’t had so there can be sadness………..tears of joy!

  
  

• Doubting our self-worth  “Do I really deserve all this pleasure and happiness?”

• Fear. “What will happen when he/she really finds out who I am?”  We all fear that people will eventually see us the way in which we view ourselves.

  
  

• Over-stimulating. Too much of a good thing can be over stimulating and we may begin to sabotage the relationship unconsciously.

  
  

There are many reasons people might sabotage in new relationships – “fear of intimacy, abandonment, even guilt of your parents’ relationship wasn’t a happy one. None of these things are conscious, which is why people are surprised to find themselves acting out.” But interestingly, it’s often when people enter what could be a good relationships that the urge to self-sabotage arises. Why could this be?

“In a positive way, ‘good’ relationships are more demanding of you because they’re more exposing,” “It can actually be easier to be in a relationship with someone controlling, for example, because they don’t really see ‘you’. Or with someone who doesn’t demand a profound emotional presence. So while it may be unsatisfactory, it’s safe because you’re not fully there, you’re less exposed. But when you’re with someone who is actually letting you be you, not playing games, it’s more confronting – the fear is that you have to be Seen. So in order to decrease that intimacy you might try and provoke an argument.”

“Ultimately loving someone is an investment, and it’s risky.”

So how to break the pattern?

1. Don’t dismiss it“If you’re compatible and you like the person, recognize the urge to wreck it or nit-pick and don’t trust it. Instead of dismissing it, question where it’s coming from.

2. Give yourself breathing space.“If you’re committing to breaking the habit, you might want to take a little step back and give yourself more time and space to sit with feelings and find out more about what’s going on.” How do you do that when ‘I need more space,’ is so often a euphemism for ‘let’s break up’?

“In the early stages you don’t have to over-explain. You could say something general like ‘I really enjoy spending time with you, but maybe just twice a week instead of every night.’” If nothing is expressed verbally you will eventually act out in what may be a hurtful manner.

3. Investigate“When you give yourself space for things to come up, you often notice obvious links – reasons for your behavior that you can start to recognize and understand on your own. Or you may find it helpful to continue or begin therapy.”

If you continue to build awareness and allow yourself to grow, it may just be true.