Money Taboo

The Consequences of the Money Taboo

In a society that claims to be a classless meritocracy on the one hand and a capitalist paradise on the other, there is no acceptable level of wealth. We have to pretend to be equal even as we know ourselves to have vastly different opportunities depending on our income. This contradiction necessitates that we speak of money euphemistically or keep quiet.

The Money taboo is a serious psychological problem because, though we do not talk freely about money, it is of major concern to almost everybody in America and Europe. This taboo keeps people from finding money’s proper place in their lives. It keeps them from balancing their financial needs with other needs; such as love, family, self-expression, self-esteem, meaningful work and physical or emotional health.  If people can recognize and overcome their irrational or destructive money-related beliefs and behaviors, money can become a valuable, life-enhancing force for them – a tool with which they can shape their lives rather than a cage in which they are confined. But, the taboo often turns money into a destructive force. Let’s consider a few consequences of this taboo.

Despite common wisdom to the effect that money can’t buy happiness it is certain that many people believe that enough money could make them happier than they are. Many people squander huge amounts of time and energy, thinking about and trying to acquire money because of this belief. Even when they are reasonably well off, people often make increasing acquisition and control of money a higher priority than either self actualization or cultivation of relationships – leading to many of the personal and interpersonal problems associated with money.

Even psychotherapists may assume some connection between money and happiness. But does financial success really correlate with happiness?

According to one report (Meyers and Diener, 1997) there is no clear correlation between living in a rich country and how happy people in that country seem to be, except that in very poor countries income does seem to predict well being. But for those who can afford life’s necessities, further wealth matters surprisingly little. In the United States and Europe, the correlation between income and happiness is weak. Even the very rich – those surveyed among Forbs’ 100 wealthiest Americans – are only slightly happier than average. Wealth, it seems is like physical health. Although its complete absence can bring misery, possessing it is no guarantee of happiness. Although few of us believe that money can literally buy happiness, many suppose that a little more money would make them a little happier. Moreover, the American dream seems increasingly to have become life, liberty and the purchase of happiness. The question is, “essential or very important for what?” What is it that they believe wealth will do for them? What is their fantasy? And, is it reality based or illusory?

Lack of communication about money can foster social divisions and illusions about others.

Ironically, it is often the rich who suffer most as a result of the money taboo. Most of us have idealized fantasies about being rich and, because of those fantasies, may envy those who are wealthy. The resistance on the part of the rich to discussing the realities of their lives and the reluctance of others to ask supports these fantasies. Many believe that the rich are contemptuous of those with less money, which is sometimes true. But, if the wealthy are capable of contempt for those with less, the reverse is true as well.  Writing about success (and having a lot of money is a common view of success) O’Neil, a management consultant who deals with many very wealthy people, writes the following (1993): “Envy and resentment cause most people to behave as if the highly successful have somehow been vaccinated against ordinary human suffering.” (p. 30) The rich can be dismissed by others who assume that wealth insulates them from all sorts of problems. Even if they realize this is not so, envy may cause them to withhold an empathic, compassionate response to those with more money.

Wealth has its psychological hazards. I believe that, like others, the rich have emotional problems, but they often find it harder to get help because having a fat wallet sometimes stimulates narcissism. Very wealthy people tend to mistake their therapists as hired help and treat them as such. If a wealthy person does not like the way a therapist is working to clean up his/her psyche, he/she is likely to fire that therapist.  However, at times therapists’ envy and subtle disdain can add to the isolation of the wealthy mentally ill, who are likely to suffer from a variety of problems.  These can include: sociopathy; maternal deprivation resulting from the narcissistic character disorders of beautiful, vain mothers; paternal deprivation by wealthy fathers who often “pursue gold as an immortality symbol rather than the generativity issues with their own offspring; impaired identity and autonomy formation characteristic of a minority group including suspiciousness of outsiders, loneliness, and isolation and; weakened family structures.

It is helpful if people are able to communicate thoughts and feelings about money to psychotherapists, especially when those thoughts and feelings are causing problems in adaptation. When they do, or if it is difficult for them to do so, it helps if psychotherapists can encourage exploration of this area. This may alert patients to the possibility that their money related attitudes and behaviors are negatively affecting their lives. But most people are inhibited thinking about or discussing money issues, which may be one reason why many can tell all about their sex lives but won’t even tell how much they make.

Freud (1913) recognized the money taboo and the importance of confronting it when he wrote, “…money questions will be treated by cultured people in the same manner as sexual matters, with the same inconsistency, prudishness and hypocrisy. The therapist is therefore determined beforehand not to concur in this attitude, and in his dealings with patients to treat of money matters with the same matter- of-course frankness that he wishes to induce in them toward matters of sexual life.” That was written as part of his advice on handling of fees. But even he was not immune from avoidance when it came to his own money issues. He remained as blind about his own relationship to money as many of us are today about ours. Referring to his father’s financial setbacks, he admitted that he preferred to suppress rather than explore their impact on him. About the “hard years” he wrote, “I think nothing about them was worth remembering.”(Gay, 1988, p.8) This is a striking statement for a man to whom exploration of traumatic childhood memories was a linchpin of early psychoanalysis. It illustrates the difficulty with which we are all faced when dealing with money issues.

In order to help us think more clearly about money as a psychological phenomenon, a new and different definition of it is offered here. It is based on the fact that we all, to some extent, depend on others’ attitudes and behaviors toward us while, at the same time, how we think of and care for ourselves are essential ingredients of psychological well-being. It is also based on the fact that all of us have irrational, magical ideas about what money can do for-or-to others and us. What causes us to be so concerned about money is largely our beliefs about what will be the attitudes and behaviors of others toward us, as well as how we believe we will treat ourselves, depending upon whether or not we have enough of it.  The definition is based on the idea of projection of these beliefs onto money.   It is as follows: Money, psychologically speaking, is our projection onto coins, bills, bank accounts and other financial instruments of our beliefs, hopes and fears about how those things will affect who we are, what will happen to us and how we will be treated by others or by ourselves based on six possible conditions. We think of these conditions as follows:  1) I do have enough money, 2) I don’t have enough money, 3) I have too much money, 4) s/he does have enough money, 5) s/he doesn’t have enough money and, 6) s/he has too much money.

A few examples will demonstrate the utility of this definition. “Enough” usually has a positive connotation as in the phrase “I have enough money to be comfortable.” But it could have a negative implication as well, as in “He has just enough money to make him think he can hold it over me and control me.” The psychological implications of the idea of “not enough money” can be many. It may mean, “I will not be loved because I don’t have enough money” or that “I don’t have enough money to cause jealousy or attract the attention of thieves.” It could mean, as one of my patients feared, that “I will end up living on the street and starve” or, as was the case with another patient that “Because I don’t have enough money, I can’t buy drugs, won’t get addicted and so will be okay.” With regard to the idea of  “too much” consider these thoughts: “Because I have too much money nobody will ever love me just for myself.”  “I’d better not let my wife go to work because, if she has too much money, I will no longer be able to control her and she will leave me.” and “I can do whatever I want and don’t have to worry about what others think, because I have too much money (and power) for anybody to mess with me.” Clearly, thoughts about the sufficiency of money have important personal and interpersonal meanings and it is these meanings that the psychological definition of money, offered here, highlights.

An important money-related question which this definition raises but does not clarify is, “What is enough, or too much, or not enough?” The whole issue of perception of need and recognition of limits in regard to money should be of great interest to therapists. If the above definition does not answer the question, it at least helps to clarify the issue by indicating the six conditions in reference to which the question of enough may be raised. The question of what is enough must be answered in the context of another question, “Enough for what?” Answering this question requires clarity regarding our motives, values, aspirations and the like; certainly an area where psychotherapy can be helpful.