Finding Your True Self

When do I get better? Will I ever get better? When will I be in a relationship? Will I ever stop repeating unhealthy patterns?  Those are some of the questions my patients frequently ask me.

I don’t have an answer that covers all of those questions, however I can say that “the turtle outruns the rabbit” meaning that patience is needed in expecting any changes to occur in yourself when entering psychotherapy.  Additionally, entering therapy there will often be a period of feeling very vulnerable and shaky because of removing old coping strategies and exposing the pain underneath it. But over time new emotional habits will be created and healthier coping mechanisms adopted.

First we need to slowly build awareness and find our true self, which has often been hidden behind a false self that has been cultivated for protection. A false self is created when the family we’re in haven’t allowed for a healthy development, which relates to the opportunity for a young child to be able to experience a true sense of self. A true self is created when a child gets to feel that he is respected as an individual, his feelings count and his thoughts are valued. The child learns to trust that his feelings are all his and doesn’t belong to another person. If children aren’t allowed an opportunity to articulate their emotions in connection with experiences, they will learn to hide or deny their feelings in order to be loved and accepted by the family. Furthermore, children will deny the existence of problems as their family is very much invested in keeping up the appearance that everything is just fine.  If we express feelings connected to painful experiences and it’s not validated, we begin to question our own sense of reality, which is worse and we for that reason decide to reject the existence of our own feelings. Due to the fact that the environment doesn’t invite an open dialogue about what’s taking place emotionally, children of such families learn to live a lie because they take the risk of being rejected if they let in the truth.

They develop a false self, which is a reaction to a dysfunctional situation. The false self is a survival mechanism to hide, protect against or cope with unfelt, unacknowledged pain and when their reality is challenged retaliation or anger may follow.

However, as a therapist I need to break through the false self in order to find the true self and for the individual to get in touch with their feelings. It is a long and often very painful process but it’s possible and achievable. When we allow feelings to be expressed in a safe and holding environment, such as the therapeutic setting, we become aware of our consciousness, our true self, and there is a newfound sense of awareness, peace and acceptance.  It’s a re-nurturing opportunity to connect feelings to painful experiences that we were taught to reject. As you come in touch with more feelings and are able to articulate them, your awareness is expanded and you are permitted to be you, your authentic self.  Calmness, peace of mind, freedom from anxiety and worry, inner strength and happiness are some of the results of becoming aware of your inner consciousness.  By allowing ourselves to be aware and absorbed in this consciousness, the mind and the flow of thoughts calm down, and you experience inner peace, partly due to the fact that the energy that was used to defend against feeling has now been freed.

To maintain this state of inner peace, meditation, proper mental attitude and liberating yourself of any imbalances in your life is wise. Imbalances can be surrounding yourself with unpredictable people, who generates unnecessary anxiety, instead surrounding yourself with people who are embracing healthy living and who are in constant awareness and allowing themselves to feel and be vulnerable. You don’t have to search for this consciousness or true self, it is here, and you are living in it all the time. We only forgot it, as we were allowing obsessional or unproductive thoughts to rule our lives.  The sky is always there and if we don’t see it, it’s due to the fact that the clouds are covering it. In the same way our thoughts cover our consciousness, but by removing them we become aware of it.

So YES it is possible to get better, to connect to people in healthier ways and to break unhealthy patterns.